So I just saw Shoot ‘Em Up. Late yeah, I know, don’t even think of leaving a comment about that here, I will personally ensure that Santa’s little green elves turn evil and castrate you in your sleep. Now, back to Shoot ‘Em Up – Clive Owen is as close to what should’ve been the new James Bond as it is possible to be. Whoever thought of Daniel ‘Pouty’ Craig? Since the next Bond ‘extravaganza’ is about to hit the ground running with its hype, let me set the record straight. I am a Bong purist, and cannot tolerate a blonde Bond, no alliteration intended. A blonde Bond is the equivalent of an Anna Nicole Smith, may her soul rest and her videos be leaked onto the internet, with a triple Harvard degree in Medicine, Law and Hebrew. No one needs an Anna Nicole to tell them they have cancer, just like no one needs a spastic-looking Daniel Craig in a love scene with Caterina Murino. Granted, Craig is a good actor, but he just isn’t Bond material. He’s great being the lackey to an Angelina Jolie popping out at strategic points in a pathetically made Lara Croft movie, but to defile the genre and range of caper flicks that so many of us hold sacrosanct is beyond blasphemy – it’s like saying God is blonde. And we all know, he’s a brunette, with a salt and pepper beard. Just like Clive Owen. This guy combines the awesomeness of Connery with the great comic timing of Brosnan and the swagger from Roger Moore to give you what should’ve been doing Eva Green in “Casino Royale”, in stead of that shock of yellow hair on Craig’s head, with his thin lips stuck out as if he was a platypus in his previous life.
Lord, save us from further mediocrity.
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